guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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