I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
