Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
