Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
