Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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