his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
