It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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