I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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