Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I currently don't understand fingers.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
