I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
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I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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