it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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