i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am available for nakedness
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
