i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
