Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
