you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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