I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
