i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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