i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
