I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
