I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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