imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
