Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
