I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
