I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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