FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
