Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
