Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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