You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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