i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
