How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
