Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
