I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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