This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
