I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
