Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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