I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
