Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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