Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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