she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
