The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my sisters under your porch take her home
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dating After Heartbreak
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings