I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..