All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
