Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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