When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
