i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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