My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i came on her dog
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
