I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
