I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
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Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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