3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
