If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
