There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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