I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
