i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
