why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
