he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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