I want to make a zoo with you.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.