i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV