Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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