Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
