So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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